I can't sleep because I think about history.
Starting with theological education at the age of 4. Whenever I lie down, I narrate a story. I don't have a chair, so I sit on top of my computer. Tomorrow, I'm buying a chair. I wish I could sleep. When I'm conscious late at night, I fear I'm avoiding some question that should be keeping me up at night. The reference of everything to the Kingdom of God. The Church is the gift of the love and life of the Holy Trinity in the here and now, it is the Kingdom of God present in this world. Peace and joy in the Holy Spirit... I hope I'm not avoiding that question. Even at the age of 4, I was all-too-conscious of sin in life, my life, and somehow got the notion that sins are only forgiven at Easter, so I waited with trepidation all through March hoping not to die still in my sins. Besides that, I don't know if I know any more now than I did back then.
posted by Mr. G. Z. T. @ 19.7.05
3 Comments:
Yeah, I know what you mean. It's not quite scrupulosity, it's more the Martha and Mary thing. Have you read Story of a Soul? I hate to say the same thing everywhere, but really, the "little way" helps me with this. Anything that happens (well, at least short of mortal sin), don't get distracted and feel it's a tragedy- just turn back to God as His little child would. Of course, I can't explain it half as well as I feel it, nor a quarter as well as St. Therese expresses it.
I haven't, every time I intend to pick it up it's checked out of the library or not at the bookstore or whatever. Anyways, note that that was at the age of 4.
Well yeah, I meant the thinking that keeps you awake now, rather than the 4-year-old scruples.
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